In every relationship, you get to a point of no return. Some take longer to get to this point, others take less. Regardless of the time, you eventually get to this point. This is the point where you either look toward the future hopeful and bright-eyed, knowing that you and your partner are ready for the uncertainty that lay ahead; you are ready to take on the role of the conductor, orchestrating the beautiful melodies that represent your life together. Or, you close your eyes and take a deep breath, knowing that you’ve exhausted all your efforts and in the face of the uncertain future that’s ahead,you resort to taking on the role of the passive observer and let things unfold until they fall apart naturally.
I’ve gotten to this point. For the longest time, I’ve been mindful of every step in my relationship, careful not to make a single false move. I’ve gone beyond what a girlfriend typically does – I poured my heart out, made my desires and wishes known, and spelled out my every thought. Afterall, I was told that my boyfriend can not be a mind reader. So I tried to make things as easy as humanly possible. While I thought this would make thing easier and make my boyfriend appreciate me more, it actually encouraged him to expect more of the same. That is, I should always spell out my thoughts, I should be more considerate, and I should be less emotional about everything. Most of all, that I should not expect so much, because it is too tiring. So, what I sacrificed in my attempt to be a ‘easier-to-read girlfriend’ is not only the opportunity of ever being surprised by my boyfriend, but most importantly, his desire to known who I am, what I like, how I think, as a girlfriend and as a person. I’ve encouraged him to be less observant, less appreciative, and less aware of who I am.
It’s really quite my fault isn’t it? I’ve encouraged all this all along. The ironic thing is that I have never spelt things out for my ex boyfriends, and yet they seemed to be able to read my mind, to know what I need, and most of all, never complained that it was all too much. Maybe because I never gave them enough, so there was never the need to complain that it was all too much, This time though, I gave it my all and maybe it was too much.
I am now at the cross road in my relationship. Many times, I thought I was already here, and I thought I had lost all hope, and that I was sure going down the road of the passive observer. Many times, I watched as my relationship developed cracks, scars, wounds, and was absolutely sure that I was going down that road. Yet, he pulled me back, convinced me that he could fix the cracks, and that we, as a team, could restart all over. He made me believe that we were destined for the road to be orchestrating our musical lives together. So I believed him, time and time again. But time and time again, I’d find myself right back at the cross road over some argument, and become convinced that I no longer posessed the strength, courage, or hope to fend off the uncertainties of our future.
Tonight, I am back at this same cross road. The only difference now is that instead of asking myself “am I really sure this is hopeless” and in the back of my mind really thinking, “no, it’s not hopeless if he calls back”, I find myself asking “am I truly happy”? Quickly, I can say, “no, not for a long time”.
Why not? The same reason why it feels awful having to defend your action in front of your best friend, the same reason why it feels awful your mom accuses you of something you didnt do – those closest to you should know who you are, how you think, why you behave the way you do. And when you have to constantly explain yourself, it makes you realize that the person you’re talking to, does not know you at all.
And when they finally hear what you’ve been saying, you are no longer waiting and hoping for them to hear. Ironic.
可以不愛了
讓窗戶通通都打開 讓陽光通通照進來
讓風放肆的吹散我身上的塵埃
把你的過去變腐壞 把你的溺愛藏起來
把你的所有都搬到我房間以外
現在是三點鐘 你應該還沒醒呢
這有點刺眼的光線 會不會打擾你呢
夢不會實現了 我應該要醒了
我不該只懂得配合 你習慣短暫的溫熱
我努力要自己避開 和你曾走過的地帶
但是又和不捨拉扯 處在我快樂的界外
我何嘗不是一個人 來決定愛的延長賽
奈何總是勉強對自己 有一個善良的交代
我努力要自己躲開 你給我的傷心地帶
但是又和失去拉扯 得到的全都是意外
到現在還是一個人 吞噬著自己的能耐
到最後我可以不愛了 你卻說捨不得
離開你欲走還留的眼睛 我要我忍住在一次抱你
躲開你轉身以後的消息 這一次我可以
我努力要自己避開 和你曾走過的地帶
但是又和不捨拉扯 處在我快樂的界外
我努力要自己躲開 你給我的傷心地帶
但是又和失去拉扯 得到的全都是意外
到現在還是一個人 吞噬著自己的能耐
到最後我可以不愛了 你卻說捨不得
你可以不愛了 別說捨不得
