The only comforting thing today was the hot shower. I can feel my muscles twitching and tingling as I sit paralyzed in my chair. Every inch of my body aches, my head is throbbing, and I can feel the exhausting 16-hr day taking it’s toll. My heart is struggling to pump against the fatigue that threatens to swallow me whole. I see the two large blue/purplish bruises on the side of my thigh from the pop-cans hitting…. the physical pain is in a way.. numbing the realization that I am quite alone ….especially tonight… as I try to untangle the rapid pace of events that happened today .. and remind myself my discussions with the doctor. How unhelpful…my options are limited, his explanations were lackluster. Lost and feeling lonely, I sought for support and comfort… my mom didn’t know what OCPs are …. he said “You should know more about it than I do”.

I realize that I am after all – alone.

I’ve gotten to this point. For the longest time, I’ve been mindful of every step in my relationship, careful not to make a single false move. I’ve gone beyond what a girlfriend typically does – I poured my heart out, made my desires and wishes known, and spelled out my every thought. Afterall, I was told that my boyfriend can not be a mind reader. So I tried to make things as easy as humanly possible. While I thought this would make thing easier and make my boyfriend appreciate me more, it actually encouraged him to expect more of the same. That is, I should always spell out my thoughts, I should be more considerate, and I should be less emotional about everything. Most of all, that I should not expect so much, because it is too tiring. So, what I sacrificed in my attempt to be a ‘easier-to-read girlfriend’ is not only the opportunity of ever being surprised by my boyfriend, but most importantly, his desire to known who I am, what I like, how I think, as a girlfriend and as a person. I’ve encouraged him to be less observant, less appreciative, and less aware of who I am.

It’s really quite my fault isn’t it? I’ve encouraged all this all along. The ironic thing is that I have never spelt things out for my ex boyfriends, and yet they seemed to be able to read my mind, to know what I need, and most of all, never complained that it was all too much. Maybe because I never gave them enough, so there was never the need to complain that it was all too much, This time though, I gave it my all and maybe it was too much.

I am now at the cross road in my relationship. Many times, I thought I was already here, and I thought I had lost all hope, and that I was sure going down the road of the passive observer. Many times, I watched as my relationship developed cracks, scars, wounds, and was absolutely sure that I was going down that road. Yet, he pulled me back, convinced me that he could fix the cracks, and that we, as a team, could restart all over. He made me believe that we were destined for the road to be orchestrating our musical lives together. So I believed him, time and time again. But time and time again, I’d find myself right back at the cross road over some argument, and become convinced that I no longer posessed the strength, courage, or hope to fend off the uncertainties of our future.

Tonight, I am back at this same cross road. The only difference now is that instead of asking myself “am I really sure this is hopeless” and in the back of my mind really thinking, “no, it’s not hopeless if he calls back”, I find myself asking “am I truly happy”? Quickly, I can say, “no, not for a long time”.

Why not? The same reason why it feels awful having to defend your action in front of your best friend, the same reason why it feels awful your mom accuses you of something you didnt do – those closest to you should know who you are, how you think, why you behave the way you do. And when you have to constantly explain yourself, it makes you realize that the person you’re talking to, does not know you at all.

And when they finally hear what you’ve been saying, you are no longer waiting and hoping for them to hear. Ironic.

可以不愛了

讓窗戶通通都打開 讓陽光通通照進來
讓風放肆的吹散我身上的塵埃
把你的過去變腐壞 把你的溺愛藏起來
把你的所有都搬到我房間以外

現在是三點鐘 你應該還沒醒呢
這有點刺眼的光線 會不會打擾你呢
夢不會實現了 我應該要醒了
我不該只懂得配合 你習慣短暫的溫熱

我努力要自己避開 和你曾走過的地帶
但是又和不捨拉扯 處在我快樂的界外
我何嘗不是一個人 來決定愛的延長賽
奈何總是勉強對自己 有一個善良的交代
我努力要自己躲開 你給我的傷心地帶
但是又和失去拉扯 得到的全都是意外
到現在還是一個人 吞噬著自己的能耐
到最後我可以不愛了 你卻說捨不得

離開你欲走還留的眼睛 我要我忍住在一次抱你
躲開你轉身以後的消息 這一次我可以

我努力要自己避開 和你曾走過的地帶
但是又和不捨拉扯 處在我快樂的界外
我努力要自己躲開 你給我的傷心地帶
但是又和失去拉扯 得到的全都是意外
到現在還是一個人 吞噬著自己的能耐
到最後我可以不愛了 你卻說捨不得
你可以不愛了 別說捨不得

Tonight, we argued again. Pretty soon, we’ll have argued one very single continent! That’s a record I do NOT want to have.

Why did we argue? Sure, we were tired, sleep-deprived and stressed. But who isn’t? What was the root cause? Things have been good since our last ‘serious’ talk, but the same issue seems to have returned: he’s dumbfounded when I need him emotionally; he doesn’t know what to do when I’m stressed. So either I spell everything out, or I’m stuck comforting myself. WHY IS IT ALWAYS LIKE THIS? WILL IT EVER GET BETTER?

Maybe I’m just too needy. Since when was I the type of girl who waits anxiously for emails from her bf, or calls from him, or txts him 1st thing I wake up? WHAT HAVE I BECOME?

Then he tells me that when he goes on his trips, it should make no difference to me.  Why should it affect me at all? The sudden change in routine, the uncertainty of where he is or when I’ll hear from him next, is he tired/stressed, sure, NONE OF IT MATTERS TO ME.

I JUST CARE TOO MUCH.

Is this unrequited love? Am I just a blatant idiot?

]]> http://dianawu.wordpress.com/2009/01/27/conflicting-thoughts/feed/ 0 dianawu http://dianawu.wordpress.com/2009/01/20/%e6%96%b0%e5%8f%91%e7%8e%b0%e5%94%90%e5%83%a7%e5%ae%b6%e4%b9%a6%ef%bc%8c%e5%85%b1%e4%ba%ab%ef%bc%81/ http://dianawu.wordpress.com/2009/01/20/%e6%96%b0%e5%8f%91%e7%8e%b0%e5%94%90%e5%83%a7%e5%ae%b6%e4%b9%a6%ef%bc%8c%e5%85%b1%e4%ba%ab%ef%bc%81/#comments Tue, 20 Jan 2009 20:35:11 +0000 Diana http://dianawu.wordpress.com/?p=163 ]]> 唐僧的家书：

Everybody’s Free to Wear Sunscreen!
By Mary Schmich (Chicago Tribune) – Baz Luhrmann

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of ’97

“WEAR SUNSCREEN!”

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, “sunscreen” would be it.

The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists,

whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.

I will dispense this advice NOW!

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth.

Oh, never mind.

You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they’ve faded.

But trust me, in 20 years, you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.

You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future.
Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum.

The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind,

The kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts.
Don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don’t waste your time on jealousy.
Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind.

The race is long and, in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive.

Forget the insults.

If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters.

Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life.
The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives.
Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees.

You’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t.
Maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t.
Maybe you’ll divorce at 40.

Maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.

Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much,

or berate yourself either.

Your choices are half chance.

So are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body.
Use it every way you can.

Don’t be afraid of it or of what other people think of it.

It’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.

Dance

Even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines.

They will only make you feel ugly.

“Brother and sister together we’ll make it through,
Someday a spirit will take you and guide you there
I know that you’re hurting but I’ve been waiting there for you
and I’ll be there just helping you out
whenever I can…”

Get to know your parents.

You never know when they’ll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings.

They’re your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go,

but with a precious few you should hold on.

Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get,

the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in “New York City” once, but leave before it makes you hard.

Live in “Northern California” once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel

Accept certain inalienable truths:
Prices will rise.

Politicians will philander.

You, too, will get old.

And when you do, you’ll fantasize that when you were young,

prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you.

Maybe you have a trust fund.

Maybe you’ll have a wealthy spouse.

But you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair or by the time you’re 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy,

but be patient with those who supply it.

Advice is a form of nostalgia.

Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal,

wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

“Brother and sister together we’ll make it through,
Someday a spirit will take you and guide you there
I know that you’re hurting but I’ve been waiting there for you
and I’ll be there just helping you out
whenever I can…”

Everybody’s Free, Everybody’s Free

To Feel Good!

I rushed home and soaked in a hot long shower, hoping to wash away the fatigue, stress, and anxiety that’s been building up the past couple weeks. The shower felt good, but I had to pack – there were clothes/shoes/notes sprawled all over my floor, all screaming at me to find a spot for them somehow. There was just more stuff waiting for me to do. I sat on the floor for a good 10-15 minutes, dazed, and feeling the pain and fatigue that ached through my body. God I’m tired. After much inner-dialog and struggle, I dragged myself off the floor and collapsed onto my computer chair, hoping that taking to him would make me feel better.

But things got worse. I don’t even have the strength to think about the problems that came up. I didn’t need another smack in the face today of how crappy things are, at school and at home. He was suppose to be my rock – instead, he’s like the hurricane that knocked over my little boat that was already flailing in the wind on the open sea. And I capsized.

Today I needed comfort, I needed an oasis after such a tough couple of weeks. I’m just so, so tired. And at the end of it all, all I get is “I dont have time”!? Why did I stack 3 meetings after an exam yesterday just so I could leave on friday? Why did I have to juggle a million things at once on my place just so I could leave earlier during the week so I could arrive on my birthday? Who did I do all this for?? !?!? What am I doing?! Who am I kidding – who cares about all this!

What kind of relationship am I in, that I could feel so insecure, so disappointed and so hopeless!?!? What am I doing all this for? What am I working towards? More heartbreak?

I can’t even think straight. My headache is pounding. *sigh*.

What happened to relaxation, happy memories, and spontenaity of vactaions? This is a GREAT start. I can already feel like what the rest of this is going to be. What a great way to turn 24.